Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
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