I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
