Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
well done
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
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