It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
