in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
