while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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