omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
