I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
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