It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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