moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
