nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
