god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
