can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
