I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
