Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
