the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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