apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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