It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh�
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
