Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Randomize
