Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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