Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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