So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh�
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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