They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
