from now on my penis is your penis
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
