You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
