we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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