Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
