she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
