I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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