So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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