Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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