i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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