i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Randomize
