Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
