Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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