I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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