If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
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