haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Only a mothe r could love this liver
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
