it was like his penis was on wheels.
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
