And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
