Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
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