Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
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