I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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