Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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