he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
