Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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