when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
