my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
