NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I could fuck to npr.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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