perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
